nuevas esperanzas

tus manos ásperas

tu sonrisa llena

los ojos que todo cuentan

esas cejas que todo dicen

noches juntos

tus pies frios

el primer momento que compartimos solos

el miedo que tenia y lo mucho que me confundias

la forma en que te comunicas

lo mucho que hablas

tus opiniones explicitas

las conversaciones llenas de vigor

sentimientos sin esperanza

emociones encontradas

fantasias inalcanzables

amor sin esperanza

It's been a while since I last blogged. It's not that I don't have anything or much to say, it's just that life is moving at a really fast pace and I am drowning in work. This year as a whole has been a huge learning year for me. I feel like I've grown and matured at a really fast and steady pace. Everyday I learn more and more about the craft that I am trying to perfect, I learn about myself, who I am, where I am going, who I want to be; and I am honestly loving every single moment.

I know that the year started in a very rough place, but I think that it's coming to an end with a very great note. Grad school is challenging, but I know that I can handle it. I had never really thought about how challenging memorization can be. Especially for a show, I need to know all my words and notes like they are a natural part of me. I really want to be the character, I want to be able to express every feeling, every thought, every point and every word just like my character would. I want to fully be him. This has proven to be a little challenging because I have so many other things on top of it and because early music is a bit foreign to me. But, I am working my ass off for it, and I am trying my best and I know that things will come together at the end.

This semester I have seen a huge change in me. I don't even know how to describe myself anymore. I feel like I am going through some sort of identity crisis, not only as a gay man, but as a person in general. I am not who I was four months ago. I am known as this happy, bubbly person. Most of my previous friends can attest to the fact that I was a depressed child, with mood swings, and that I was not really that happy. Lately I am happy and bubbly everyday and I love it. Some people don't believe me about the rough times, and who I really was before. I don't know if this new me is here to stay, I would really love it if it did. I don't want it to go, I am very scared of it leaving me. All I can do is enjoy the moment, and try to see the positive side to everything I do.

I am honestly loving this part of my life where I am growing up and realizing and exploring who I am meant to be, who I want to be and just plainly, who I am.

I am Brian Gonzalez, I boy with a lot of passion. I can be very dramatic at times, at the end of the day, dramatics will pay the bills some day, hopefully. I try to see the positive side to things, and not let a lot of my every day thoughts and insecurities bring me down. I am a powerful person, beautiful in the inside and out. I can do anything I set my mind to do, it just takes hard work, will power and a lot of passion and love for whatever I want to do. I know that I on right track towards happiness, I can feel it. I can honestly say that I am happy with who I am, and with the cards that life has dealt me. I can look back at the rough times in my life and see that because of them I am who I am today, they have made me stronger, have given me insight into who I am and into how the world works. I know that next time I am in a rough spot, my dramatic self will probably make it worst than it actually is, BUT after a day or a couple of hours I will be able to stand back and realize that things will get better, because so far things have worked themselves out, and it always ends up being for the best. I love myself and I love my life.

It's been a while since I've written anything on this blog. I find myself attempting to blog almost everyday but I never know what to write or talk about. An update on my life seems like is in order. 

GRAD SCHOOL: I started grad school on September 6. It has honestly been one of the greatest decisions of my life. I find that in a couple of weeks I will not have time for a social life, and that I will be completely overwhelmed BUT I am enjoying every single moment. I know that my voice is/and will be growing exponentially, and the experience that I am gaining while in this program is amazing. 

------------ Performances: While in grad school, I get the opportunity to perform a lot. The first semester I get to be in two sets of concerts. The first one is the opera scenes which happen on October 20 and 22, I am involved in three scenes, as of now, I don't know which day exactly my scenes will be in, but I am completely excited to perform in my first opera related program ever! The second performance of the semester is the Winter Gala; I am not exactly sure what we will be performing then, we won't be getting any information until we are done with the Oct. performances.

 I have also just been casted as the lead tenor for the Early Music Opera. I am really excited about this. I get to perform my first full opera at the beginning of December. I, honestly, had not planned on being involved in this production. I heard about the auditions but I had decided not to audition because I didn't want to be overwhelmed on my first semester and because I felt like I needed some more preparation technique wise, as well as experience wise. My voice teacher asked some of the guys in the opera department to audition because they had not casted the lead tenor, so I did. I got a call back, and now I have the part.

 I have a lot of music to learn and memorize, not only am I having to work on these productions but I also have my personal voice lesson music to work on. This semester I need to at least learn 4 arias + 2 songs from musicals. I can see how in a couple of weeks I may start to freak out and be completely overwhelmed, but right now I am trying to focus my energy on going through with every day and letting things work themselves out while I try my best and do my best.

 LIFE: I love Boston/Cambridge. This city is just wonderful. I love the atmosphere, the people, the opportunities, the life, the boys, everything. I am seriously enjoying life here to the max. I am really busy with school, but whenever I find the time I always go out and explore the city, the malls, the night-life, and I end up having a lot of fun with new and old friends. I've started dating again, this feels like a great accomplishment. I've met some wonderful guys, but school right now is a priority and I will let the rest work itself out, because things always work out for the best. All-in-all I am really happy with how things are turning out to be.

I hope to have a lot more wonderful things to blog about in the next few months. Stay tuned!

unnatural reality

the touch of your lips
I can't remember
a time gone by
soon to forget

an argument
a hug
undone bed
sheets wrapped around us

memories soon to be lost
storms seemed to come
leave nothing behind
scared

wishing it wasn't so
wishing I could forget
loving you still hurts
attempting to move on

wishes
such a child's game
love
unnatural reality

a little update

The day has finally arrived. Tonight is the day that I show what I have been working for all five years of college. I am excited yet nervous. I am also a bit stressed and sad. Back when I imagined this day, I imagined receiving flowers from the boy that loved me, today I go to face this day without him. I miss him so much, I love him but life goes on.

I am very proud of the things that I have accomplished in spite of all the things that have happened in the last couple of weeks. I am ready to face tonight, to have fun and enjoy every single moment of it.

I feel content with where my career is going. I got accepted into my number one choice grad school and I am so excited for the things the future has in store for me.

untitled

tip tap tip tap
I see your face
your beautiful body
your beautiful self

tip tap tip tap
the rain drops
on and on it goes
as my tears fall

tip tap tip tap
my broken heart
the memories of love
all because of a boy who did not know how to love

my thoughts on a relationship

Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend needed some space so we were breaking up. I have been feeling this urge to run to him, hug him, kiss him and tell him that I deserve a second chance, after all I gave him a second chance. I am very confused as to what I need to be feeling. How am I suppose to be acting and what do I need to do? Naturally, I still have feelings for him. I can honestly say that I love him but I understand his need for space.

It's so hard to understand how relationships are suppose to work. From the little I have seen every relationship has it's disagreements, need for space etc. but at the end it seems that the relationships that last are the ones that are willing to fight through those problems, compromise, learn and get back up and try again. I feel that every relationship goes through very low points in which it seems that being with the other person is just impossible but part of the commitment is getting back up and looking at the positive side of things. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the last month had been really hard, it had been a roller coaster of emotions. At various times I would think about how maybe it was time to break things up, I would sit down, take a deep breath and analyze whether I really wanted to do that. After much thought I would come up with plenty of reasons why this person was right for me, why I felt that after we got through these awkward but necessary moments it would be better. I honestly felt that we were at that point in a relationship were all the magic is gone and it was time to make a choice of whether I wanted to be with this person forever or not. Unfortunately for me, everyday I would wake up with the realization that this guy was the one.

As I think back to all the nice things he did for me, all the little things like pick me up from school, just cook a meal, wash the dishes, the little kiss in the forehead, or the Eskimo kiss I realize how much he did love me, yet, at some moment in time in the last month he gave up on me. If I was to analyze all the people that I care about I, honestly, would have to say that I am the hardest person to get along with. I am bossy, controlling, annoying, clingy, etc. the list goes on so I can see why he should have left me a long time ago. And this past month I had been realizing how much he had to put up with and how thankful I should be. Most of the time, every major argument, was in some part my fault. My need to control, to get things my way, got in the way a lot and did not leave him room to take a breath.

I really have no idea what the point of this blog was, I suppose I needed to get my thoughts in order. I can't seem to concentrate even though I have two finals in the next 3 hours and I needed a place to express my feelings. If I could do things again, I wish I would have noticed earlier how demanding I was so that I could change my ways and show him that I do care about him, his life, his space, his friends and that I am thankful for him and I love him.