questions

what more can i say to a lying heart?
what more can i do to believe in this love?
when we have it there is no need for it.
when we want it we can't have it.
when we loose it we want it back.
who understands the living heart?

restored heart

I look into your eyes
and I feel secure.
I look into your soul
and I find solace.
I look into your heart
and I find hope.

You have restored the broken heart
of the poor boy who once fell in love
with the wrong being.

The tears have stopped,
the calm has returned,
the smile shines once more
and the heart feels hope.

Take care of this heart it's fragile still,
give it courage and strength.
Give it a friend and take the loneliness away.

...

Once again I find myself at a crossing,
I can't remember the last time I was here
but it all seems so familiar.

the birth of the narcissus

There is a sign next to you grave, it has the date of your birth but not the one of your death. "I thought you were dead," I say. I'm speaking to no one, yet to everyone. "I want you to be dead!" I yell, "All you do is mess with my heart; you mess with my head!" I fall to the ground, I fall on my knees. I begin to cry. There is no hope, I want to go away. I want to forget you ever existed, I want to cease to exist. I start to run, but I can't get more than 5 feet away, these invisible chains make themselves known. "What is this? Why?" I yell. My love, my obsession, they are both so strong. "I can't go on like this," I whisper. I slowly walk back to the grave and begin to dig with my hands. My tears flow and flow, they water the soil; they empty my heart. When I see it's deep enough I crawl in and let the dirt fall back in as I cry myself to death. If you were to ever come to this grave, you 'll find a date there now; it has the wrong name but finally the heart has killed the person that made it suffer. The tears that once fell, the broken heart that lies there, and the person that caused all the pain have given birth to a beautiful narcissus flower.

random thoughts on my smile

i came expecting nothing.
i had given up on you
but when i came you changed my perspective

i am so confused at the moment
i cant even stop smiling.
why do you taunt me so?

I am so scared, i dont want my heart to break again
its still broken, can u help me mend it?
i know deep inside that its probably my imagination
but right now, i just cant stop smiling.

this just helps me see that after all there is some hope for me.
and in reality i am not as broken as i thought i was.
please dont let my smile fade away.

fear and insecurity

It all feels a bit heavy. I mean in a literal sense it is; I feel that my thighs belong to a 200 pound man, that my stomach belongs to a 180 pound man my muscles belong to a 100 pound boy; its all very disproportionate. the sense of shame and guilt does not let me be happy, and now i am scared that in my next trip to the beach i wont be able to function and my lame excuse that i hate sea animals will once again keep me from enjoying life. I should do something about it, you say. well i think so too, the problem is that in the middle of all my stress, my depression, and my sense of inferiority I am not even able to get up from my lazy butt and exercise. the feeling that people watch, or critique follows me everywhere it haunts every single moment of the day. In reality all i need is a bit of toning, and it all scares me because i do not see it that way. I feel that i should loose at least 15- 20 pounds that i should stop eating all together. If i were comfortable throwing up i would, thankfully I am not; and if I stop eating I get the worst headache in the world and I am not able to function normally during the day. What should I do with my insecurities and my fears?

untitled

He sits by the window
looking at the snow fall
contemplating suicide

His heart is broken
he longs for attention
he longs for a kiss

An empty road
in the middle of the country
a girl lies

she looks beautiful
she looks heartbroken
she is dead

there is emptiness
there is no more sun
no more music

There is no more story to tell
no more life to live
no more song to sing

no more hope
no more sin
no more love