Two days ago I found out that my boyfriend needed some space so we were breaking up. I have been feeling this urge to run to him, hug him, kiss him and tell him that I deserve a second chance, after all I gave him a second chance. I am very confused as to what I need to be feeling. How am I suppose to be acting and what do I need to do? Naturally, I still have feelings for him. I can honestly say that I love him but I understand his need for space.
It's so hard to understand how relationships are suppose to work. From the little I have seen every relationship has it's disagreements, need for space etc. but at the end it seems that the relationships that last are the ones that are willing to fight through those problems, compromise, learn and get back up and try again. I feel that every relationship goes through very low points in which it seems that being with the other person is just impossible but part of the commitment is getting back up and looking at the positive side of things. I would be lying if I didn't admit that the last month had been really hard, it had been a roller coaster of emotions. At various times I would think about how maybe it was time to break things up, I would sit down, take a deep breath and analyze whether I really wanted to do that. After much thought I would come up with plenty of reasons why this person was right for me, why I felt that after we got through these awkward but necessary moments it would be better. I honestly felt that we were at that point in a relationship were all the magic is gone and it was time to make a choice of whether I wanted to be with this person forever or not. Unfortunately for me, everyday I would wake up with the realization that this guy was the one.
As I think back to all the nice things he did for me, all the little things like pick me up from school, just cook a meal, wash the dishes, the little kiss in the forehead, or the Eskimo kiss I realize how much he did love me, yet, at some moment in time in the last month he gave up on me. If I was to analyze all the people that I care about I, honestly, would have to say that I am the hardest person to get along with. I am bossy, controlling, annoying, clingy, etc. the list goes on so I can see why he should have left me a long time ago. And this past month I had been realizing how much he had to put up with and how thankful I should be. Most of the time, every major argument, was in some part my fault. My need to control, to get things my way, got in the way a lot and did not leave him room to take a breath.
I really have no idea what the point of this blog was, I suppose I needed to get my thoughts in order. I can't seem to concentrate even though I have two finals in the next 3 hours and I needed a place to express my feelings. If I could do things again, I wish I would have noticed earlier how demanding I was so that I could change my ways and show him that I do care about him, his life, his space, his friends and that I am thankful for him and I love him.
